"Mother Madness"

In this weekend's "Review" section of the Wall Street Journal, Erica Jong decries our two decade's long "orgy of motherphilia" and the excessive demands it places on women.  Jong is especially bothered by two "trends":  Dr. Sears-sytle "attachment parenting," combined with "environmental correctness."  These trends, she argues, create expectations for mothers that are neither realistic or liberating for them. 

Because of these trends, "Women feel not only that they must be ever-present for their children but also that they must breast-feed, make their own baby food and eschew disposable diapers," she writes.  "It's a prison for mothers, and it represents as much of a backlash against women's freedom as the right-to-life movement."  She is especially angered by celebrity mom Gisele Bundchen's recent declaration that breast-feeding should be mandated.  Shouldn't women be able to make such decisions for themselves?  Of course, Jong is suspect of any celebrity mom declarations, for those same celebrities (who "proudly display their baby bumps" and "never tire of describing the joys of celebrity parenthood") never include an acknowledgement of either the money or help they have in providing care for their children, support which not all women have.  

Jong claims that "mothering and fathering are different all over the world," but that our particular cultural myth, that "nurturance matters deeply," has led to the phenomenon of "helicopter parenting" as well as the demand for perfect children, a demand that seems to fall on mothers alone.  She suspects that the increasing focus on the relationship between pre- and post-natal life, the focus of a new book, "Origins:  How the Nine Months Before Birth Shape the Rest of Our Lives," might place even further onerous demands on women:  "And who is in charge of prenatal life?  The mother!  Does one glass of wine doom your child to fetal alcohol syndrome?  No, but you would be forgiven for thinking so, judging by the hysterical reaction that often greets an expectant mother who dares to sip Chardonnay." 

I can't say that everything that Jong writes sits well with me.  I know plenty of moms in my neighborhood who have chosen to stay at home and love it.  They are exceptionally intelligent and educated, and yet they have no career aspirations.  They are pleased as punch to be able to stay at home with their children full-time, and they have chosen to make food for their babies and to use cloth diapers (and have not done so because they have felt pressured).  They do not feel "imprisoned" in the least.  Further, they do not look down on those mothers, like me, who never considered using cloth diapers (and probably won't, should I have more children) and relies a great deal on the prepared foods section at Union Market in the feeding of my child (already prepared salmon, quinoa, spinach....I love you, Union Market).  It doesn't seem to occur to Jong that women could (without some sort of false consciousness) actually embrace this lifestyle joyfully and not see it as a form of imprisonment. 

I also think that while it's important to raise awareness of the demands that are placed on mothers, it's becoming ever more important to acknowledge those that are placed on fathers today, many of whom are expected to both earn a living for their families and share significantly in parenting and housekeeping.  My husband works an 8:30-7:00 p.m. job and still must do some work at home (and he often points out that he works less than 90% of the people who live in New York) but I expect him to participate as much as possible in raising Aidan, and I demand that he help in keeping our home clean.  And I admit, I often complain to him that he needs to find a way to be even more available to Aidan and me.  I suspect that I am not the only one who sometimes assumes, misguidedly, that fathers "have it easy."   

But Jong does raise some issues that are very important.  I am especially sensitive to the subject of breastfeeding, which may not be mandated by law (yet), but women are (in my experience) made to feel like failures at motherhood should they choose to use formula.  In my own case, I wanted desperately to breastfeed Aidan.  I worked with two different lactation consultants (one of whom is the very sought after Brooklyn "breast whisperer") and attended several breastfeeding support groups.  Aidan would latch for maybe a minute (when he would latch) and then would refuse the breast.  I began to cry in the office of my former OB when I went for my six week postpartum checkup because he asked how breastfeeding was going, and when I told him I was thinking of giving it up, he advised me to reconsider.  Without a hint of compassion in his voice, he repeated the slogan that is hammered into women's heads these days:  "Breast is best."  So I "pumped" milk for four months (an experience that I wouldn't really wish on any woman) because so many people had spoken of formula as thought it were poison.  My mother-in-law, for example, kept needling me about the "horrible amount of sugar" in formula (even though she was well aware that breastfeeding was exceptionally difficult for me and even though breast milk itself is loaded with sugar).
By the time I reached the four month mark, I had the good sense and was able to muster the inner courage to say to myself (and to those who questioned me, even in well-meaning ways), "This is madness," and stopped.  I felt an enormous sense of relief and actually began to enjoy motherhood.

What I find most interesting about Jong's article is her insight that some recent parenting theories and trends "seem like attempts to exert control in a world that is increasingly out of control."  For example, "We can't do anything about loose nukes falling into the hands of terrorists, but we can make sure that our progeny's every waking hour is tightly scheduled with edifying activities."  I think Jong's insight is on target and speaks to the broader existential anxiety that both women and men experience.  We feel so out of control.  And in many ways, we are.  An acknowledgement and acceptance of this fact of our existence is, I think, is imperative. 

Jong concludes that women "need someone to say:  Do the best you can.  There are no rules."  Actually, I think there are some rules about good parenting (agreeing upon what those rules are isn't always easy). So if I were to offer a different conclusion, it would be this:  Do the best you can.  And make some space for grace.