Just a note on how what I wrote in my last post relates to my earlier post, "Oh ___: Grace and Responsibility."
Until I had my son, Aidan, I worked at a private school where we had a full-time Chaplain. Honestly, I often felt dissatisfied with his sermons, which articulated, over and over again, the message that "You are loved (loveable)." My sense was that when he was a young boy, he probably heard only sermons that emphasized the opposite, but to me, he seemed to be falling into the same kind of lopsidedness. In his sermons, there never seemed to be any mention of repentance or responsibility. There was no "edge" to his message, and I feared (perhaps a bit too dramatically) that he was peddling a kind of "cheap grace." I fear that people will suspect the same of me.
So I mentioned that my "turning point" came when I was able to recognize myself as good. This was a very big deal for me, not simply because I had had so much trouble with self-acceptance. I think it was a big deal because so much responsibility flowed (flows) from it. I wrote earlier of responsibility as a more "compassionate and loving responsiveness" to the world around us. I really have found that once I was able to recognize my own goodness (in a genuine and deep way), I felt called to make better decisions--decisions that better reflected my own worth (Minor example and major admission: until then, I was a horrible, closeted chain smoker. I really don't know how I was able to keep it a secret...in fact, many more people probably knew it but never said anything. How could they not know? I probably reeked... Anyway, I stopped smoking, which was really, really, really hard, after that first retreat because it no longer fit into my growing sense of self-worth). Further, I felt called to not only recognize my own goodness but that of others: if I was "good," even though there was a lot of messiness in me, then that held true for others as well. I could no longer rest in my conclusion that a particular person (who has hurt me on many occasions) is "just a monster." Sometimes, I am able to take on this responsibility with an energetic enthusiasm. Most often, I find myself feeling, "Oh shit. I really have to do this."
Hoping this shows the connection between the two posts....
You know, I think what's interesting for me as a reader of this blog is that my impression of you (even during those historical moments you've cited to) Rebecca is so different than what you apparently had in many ways of yourself. I'm certainly not as deep or reflective about most of these issues that you've written about -- and the fact is that there's certainly a depth you're reaching that I'm not analyzing, but my visceral reaction to this is more of an amazement about the way people seem to look at themselves in a much harsher light than what I certainly perceived of you.
ReplyDeleteAs someone who actually knew you pretty well through all of these time periods you've written about, I have a different outlook entirely and remember the good things you did and the terrific person that you are.
Of course my comment is really more generic in that I think we often reflect and see worse images of ourselves than the reality would actually be, because we are often self critical which really ends up being the true impediment. I don't find myself looking back often at the poor decisions I made anymore about how I've treated people as much because I believe that I learned something from those instances about what was "good" or the "right" way to treat people. Those choices that I made had consequences I had to live with. And those lessons ultimately contributed to whether I believe I am a "good" person and to who I am today. Ultimately, I think we can accept "fundamental goodness" -- but the devil to me is in the details of how that is lived.
I think of responsibilities as an outgrowth of our choices that we make. All choices have consequences. Some are good, some we celebrate, some are burdens and some are things we suffer for. When I reflect back, my question about responsibilities and my own choices are often driven towards, am I happy with the consequences of those choices.
Sorry for rambling through this comment, and I think your blog enjoys some good thoughtful commentary.