"I Need A Job"

On Sunday, my husband and I (with Aidan in the baby jogger) went for a run in Prospect Park.  I'm still trying to get back into it.  I won't lie:  it hasn't been easy.  My knees hurt.  I'm slow and feel like I'm just lumbering along.  I certainly can't do an entire loop right now, which is roughly 5K.  But I won't stop running....or at least walking very briskly....or some combination of the two...in Prospect Park.  Thank you, Frederick Law Olmsted for creating such a magnificent park!  And I won't stop because this time in the park, when my body is moving and my blood is flowing, and especially in cool weather, I have the time and space for reflection. 

This past Sunday, I spotted another runner who was headed in my direction.  He wore a shirt with this big, bold message:  "I need a job."  Was he hoping that someone with the ability to hire him would see it.  Was he simply decrying his predicament in the hope that someone might offer him a compassionate smile, a nod of understanding?  I have no way of knowing....

But seeing these words gave a direction to my reflection that day.  For the past 15 and 1/2 months, I have been a full-time, stay-at-home mother.  I adore my son, Aidan.  I don't think anyone would ever question that.  But being at home full-time has not been easy.  I left my job at a private school on the Upper East Side for a whole host of reasons, one of which was the very real possibility that my husband and I would relocate--for a while, this seemed certain in my mind.  Wanting to have an active, daily presence in the life of Aidan was also a reason, of course.

But again, it was tough for me--especially when the dust settled after those chaotic first few months, when I averaged three hours of sleep each night and was trying, very determinedly but unsuccessfully, to nurse him.  For ten years prior to Aidan's birth, I worked, mostly in schools, primarily as a teacher.  There were some jobs I wasn't thrilled about, but I always loved working.  I loved the interactions I had with others.  I loved that I had my own income.  I loved feeling that I was a part of something, and as an educator, I knew that I was part of something good.  More than anything, working helped me to know my own worth.  
And so there were days when, even as I knew and really believed that being available full-time to my son was a great and wonderful thing...and was only a temporary situation....I often felt worthless.  And lonely.  And out-of-touch. 

I can't imagine what it must feel like for those who are not working through no choice of their own.  As Parker Palmer writes, "Take away the opportunity to work, to create, or to care--as our society does to many people--and you have deprived someone of a chance to feel fully human."  Certainly, overwork also does damage to the spirit:  "The built-in limitations of any job render it incapable by itself of satisfying all of our human longings," write Wilkie Au and Noreen Cannon.  But good work is definitely one activity that can foster, in a very deep way, the growth of the spirit.   

These days, I am feeling pretty lucky.  I take a class on Thursdays at a top-notch New York Seminary.  I really enjoy it.  I am teaching Sunday school at my church.  I am even dabbling a bit in selling some skin-care products with a friend and using the profits to set up a scholarship fund.  I'm not sure how the latter is going to work out....I'm still weighing if it's the right thing to do.  And I'm still home with Aidan for a very substantial amount of time.  I'm engaged in various kinds of work...and it feels great. 

And so tonight, I'll say a prayer that that runner and the many others who are without work can find some rest without worry and nourishment for their spirits as they wait for the possibilities of tomorrow....